What is nontraditional grief?
When most people think of grief, they picture mourning a clear, traditional loss—like the death of a loved one. Yet grief often appears in less recognized ways. Nontraditional grief, sometimes called disenfranchised grief, happens when we experience a loss that others may not view as significant or worthy of mourning. These very real experiences can carry deep emotional pain, even when the world doesn’t seem to notice.
Common types of nontraditional grief include:
Pet loss — Mourning a companion animal who offered daily comfort, routine, and unconditional love, can feel like losing a family member even if others don’t understand.
Grieving someone who is still alive — Such as a parent you’re estranged from, a partner you had to leave for safety, or a loved one changed by dementia, mental illness, or addiction, where the relationship or version of them you knew is gone.
Complicated or painful family relationships — Mourning someone who hurt, neglected, or was emotionally unavailable to you, blending sadness, relief, anger, and love in a deeply human but often misunderstood way.
Breakups or friendship losses that leave an emotional void, even if the relationship didn’t “fit the mold.”
Major life transitions, like retirement, relocation, or children leaving home, awakening unexpected disorientation and loss.
Identity, health, or future paths — Grieving infertility, chronic illness, disability, layoffs, gender transition, or discovering neurodivergence/queer identity later in life, mourning the body, family, career, or opportunities you imagined that now feel out of reach. These losses are often invisible to others but profoundly felt.
Why nontraditional grief is often misunderstood
Nontraditional grief is frequently minimized or overlooked because it doesn’t match the “classic” image of mourning. Our culture tends to reserve compassion and structure (funerals, bereavement leave, casseroles at the door) for certain types of loss, while ignoring others.
People grieving a pet, a painful parent, or a lost future often hear comments like
- “At least it wasn’t worse.”
- “You can always get another pet.”
- “You weren’t even close.”
- “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”
- “You’re still here, that’s the only thing that matters.”
These messages can make you doubt your own feelings and wonder if you are being “too sensitive” or “dramatic.” When your pain is dismissed, you may learn to hide it, which can increase shame, loneliness, anxiety, and depression over time.
Because of this, many people experiencing nontraditional grief feel pressure to move on quickly or keep their feelings private. Yet grief that is pushed down doesn’t disappear; it often shows up in other ways, like irritability, emotional numbness, or trouble connecting with others. Recognizing that your grief is real and worthy of care—no matter what others think—is an important part of healing.
Why this kind of grief feels so lonely
Because nontraditional grief doesn’t follow the usual script, it’s often unacknowledged or minimized by others. You may hear comments that make you question or suppress your emotions, or feel like you have to justify why you’re hurting.
This lack of validation can make the experience of grief feel lonely or even shameful. But at its core, grief isn’t just about death — it’s about attachment, connection, and meaning. When something or someone important to you changes or ends, the emotional weight deserves recognition.
In therapy, we understand that grief is as unique as the relationship or experience you’ve lost. You don’t need permission to grieve what mattered to you.
Signs you might be experiencing nontraditional grief
Grieving an unacknowledged loss can affect your mental and physical wellbeing. Common signs include:
Feeling emotionally “numb” or disconnected from others
Unexpected waves of sadness, guilt, or anger
Difficulty concentrating or staying motivated
Feeling like you “shouldn’t” be this upset
Yearning for understanding or closure, but not knowing how to get it
Recognizing these signs isn’t a weakness — it’s the first step toward healing.
Gentle coping tools and rituals
There is no “right” way to grieve, but small, intentional practices can help you move through the pain with more support and grounding. Think of these tools as gentle invitations, not obligations.
Create a small ritual or memorial. This might be a candle, a photo, a piece of art, or a special place where you sit and remember your pet, relationship, or former self. Rituals can give your grief a container and signal to your nervous system that it’s safe to feel.
Write unsent letters. You can write to the person you lost, the version of yourself you’re grieving, or even to your future self. You don’t have to send or share these letters; they are a way to give your feelings somewhere to go.
Mark meaningful dates with intention. Anniversaries, birthdays, or other reminders can be tender. Instead of trying to “act normal,” you might plan a small check-in ritual, like a walk in nature, journaling, or a favorite meal to honor what the day means to you.
Lean on regulating practices. Gentle movement, breathing exercises, time outdoors, or grounding techniques can help when emotions feel overwhelming. Grief is not only emotional; it lives in the body, too.
Notice when you need more support. If your coping tools stop feeling helpful, or you feel stuck, numb, or flooded most of the time, that can be a sign it might be helpful to reach out for grief counseling.
These practices are not about fixing your grief or making it disappear. They are about walking alongside your pain with more care, compassion, and support.
Supporting someone experiencing nontraditional grief
If someone you care about is grieving a loss that others might not understand, your presence can make a meaningful difference. You don’t have to have perfect words; you just have to be willing to honor their experience.
Believe them when they say it hurts. Avoid comparing their loss to other losses or telling them why it “could be worse.” Instead, try simple statements like, “I can see how much this matters to you,” or “I’m really glad you told me.”
Stay curious instead of fixing. You might say, “Do you want to talk about them?” or “What feels hardest right now?” Let them lead the conversation and follow their cues about how much they want to share.
Offer specific, practical support. Rather than “Let me know if you need anything,” try, “Can I bring you a meal this week?” or “Do you want company on a walk?” Concrete offers are easier to accept.
Respect their unique process. There is no timeline for nontraditional grief. Some days they may want to talk, and other days they may need space. Check in gently and consistently, without pushing them to “move on.”
Normalize reaching out for help. If their grief seems heavy or persistent, you might say, “Would it feel helpful to talk with a therapist who understands this kind of loss? I’d be happy to help you look for someone.”
By showing up with empathy, validation, and patience, you can help reduce the isolation that so often accompanies nontraditional grief—and remind your loved one that their pain is real and worthy of care.
How therapy can help you heal
At Steffen Counseling Services, we offer grief counseling for all types of loss — not just the traditional ones. Working with a therapist can help you:
Name and validate your grief, even if no one else sees it
Explore complex feelings, such as relief, guilt, or anger, especially after complicated relationships
Develop rituals or acts of remembrance that allow you to honor your loss
Learn coping tools to manage emotional intensity and re-engage with life
Redefine meaning and connection as you move forward
Therapy provides a space where your emotions are fully acknowledged and held without judgment — a place to make sense of your pain and find peace again.
Allowing yourself to grieve
If your grief feels confusing, you’re not alone. Healing begins with allowing yourself to feel what’s real for you, even if others don’t understand. Each loss, relationship, and life transition tells part of your story. You deserve space to mourn it.
Our therapists provide nontraditional and complicated grief therapy for individuals, couples, and families in Seattle and throughout Washington. Together, we can help you honor your experience and rebuild your sense of wholeness.
Schedule a consultation to begin your healing journey today.