Many women have been told—directly or indirectly—that pain during sex is just part of the experience. Whether it comes from media, past partners, cultural messaging, or even inadequate sex education, this belief is widespread. But it is also deeply misleading and, for many, harmful.
Pain during sex may be common, but it is not normal. More importantly, it is not something anyone should feel obligated to tolerate.
Understanding Pain During Sex
Pain during sex, also known as dyspareunia, can show up in different ways. Some people experience sharp or burning pain with penetration, while others feel deep pelvic discomfort, muscle tightness, or lingering soreness afterward. For some, the pain is occasional; for others, it is persistent and distressing.
There are many potential causes, including:
Pelvic floor muscle tension or dysfunction
Hormonal changes (such as postpartum, perimenopause, or birth control effects)
Medical conditions like endometriosis or vulvodynia
Trauma or past negative sexual experiences
Anxiety, stress, or lack of emotional safety
Insufficient arousal or lubrication
Because the causes are varied, pain during sex is not a one-size-fits-all issue, and it is not something that should be dismissed.
The Harm of the “It’s Normal” Myth
When pain is normalized, people are less likely to seek help. They may push through discomfort, disconnect from their bodies, or assume something is “wrong” with them rather than recognizing that something needs care and attention.
This myth can also impact relationships. When pain is minimized, communication around sex becomes harder, and partners may not fully understand what is happening or how to support one another.
Over time, untreated pain can lead to increased anxiety around sex, avoidance of intimacy, and a loss of pleasure and connection.
What Healthy, Consensual Sex Should Feel Like
Sex should not hurt. While there can be moments of intensity, stretching, or new sensation, those experiences should be consensual, wanted, and not persistently painful.
Healthy sexual experiences are typically characterized by:
A sense of safety and emotional comfort
Adequate arousal and readiness
The ability to pause, adjust, or stop without pressure
Pleasure that outweighs any discomfort
If pain is present, it is a signal and not something to ignore.
When to Seek Support
If you are experiencing pain during sex, it is worth exploring further. You do not need to wait until it becomes severe or constant.
Support might include:
Working with a therapist who specializes in sex therapy or trauma-informed care
Consulting with a pelvic floor physical therapist
Talking with a medical provider to rule out underlying conditions
Exploring communication and pacing within your relationship
Addressing pain often involves both physical and emotional components, and a holistic approach can be especially effective.
How Therapy Can Help
Sex therapy provides a space to understand what is happening without judgment. This might include:
Exploring how your body responds to stress, anxiety, or past experiences
Rebuilding a sense of safety and connection with your body
Learning tools for communication with partners
Gradually reintroducing pleasurable, pressure-free experiences
For many people, simply having their experience validated—that pain is real and worthy of attention—can be a powerful first step.
You Deserve Comfort and Pleasure
Pain during sex is common, but it is not something you have to accept. Your body is not “too sensitive,” “too complicated,” or “broken.” It is communicating something important.
Moreover, this is not something you have to live with. Our therapists at Steffen Counseling Services offer sex therapy and trauma-informed care to help you feel safe and comfortable in your body. Contact us to get started.
This post is part of our Therapy Myths series at Steffen Counseling Services, where we challenge common misconceptions that can create unnecessary shame, confusion, or barriers to care.
Note: This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. If you are experiencing pain during sex, we encourage you to consult with a qualified medical or healthcare provider.