What is codependency? What does it really mean, and more importantly, how do we start healing from it?
The basic description of codependency as losing yourself in someone else. It’s when your identity, your value, and your peace become overly tied to another person—often at the expense of your own needs. If you’ve ever felt like you’re responsible for everyone else’s feelings, or like your own needs are “too much,” you’re not alone. That’s codependency showing up.
The good news? You can heal from it. Here are two therapeutic approaches we’ll explore —Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Sex Therapy. Both can be a powerful combo for your healing journey.
What Is Codependency?
At its core, codependency is about external validation. You might find yourself putting others’ needs before your own, avoiding conflict to “keep the peace,” feeling anxious or guilty when setting boundaries, deriving your worth from being needed or helpful, or feeling empty or lost without a relationship. These patterns often come from early life experiences—maybe you were praised for being the “helper” in the family, or learned that love had to be earned through self-sacrifice. These early messages shape how you show up in adult relationships, especially romantic or sexual ones.
How IFS Helps with Codependency
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a beautiful, gentle therapy that helps you get to know the different parts of yourself. In IFS, we understand that we’re made up of many parts—not in a split-personality way, but in a very human way. You might have a people-pleaser part that says yes to everything. Or a caretaker part that feels responsible for fixing others. Mayne a fearful part that panics at the thought of being alone. Or even a critical part that tells you you’re not good enough. IFS helps you slow down, turn inward, and meet each of these parts with compassion. When you start to listen to them instead of battling or ignoring them, they soften. And underneath all those parts is your Self—calm, wise, and grounded. That’s the version of you that can make clear decisions, hold boundaries, and love without losing yourself.
How Sex Therapy Can Help
Let’s be real—codependency shows up hard in our romantic and sexual lives. You might use sex as a way to feel loved or keep someone close, avoid sex entirely if it feels too vulnerable, struggle to voice your needs, desires, or limits, or confuse intimacy with enmeshment. Sex therapy helps unpack all of that. It’s not just about sex—it’s about intimacy, communication, and emotional safety. A sex therapist can help you reconnect with your own desires and boundaries, explore your attachment patterns in a safe space, heal from shame or past sexual trauma, learn how to ask for what you want (without guilt!), build authentic, mutual connection
When paired with IFS, sex therapy becomes even more powerful. You can work with the parts of you that are afraid of being alone, that equate sex with approval, or that feel unworthy of pleasure. And you start to build relationships that are rooted in true connection—not obligation or fear.
Final Thoughts
Healing from codependency isn’t about becoming “independent” or cutting people off. It’s about learning to be in connection without abandoning yourself.
IFS gives you the inner tools to understand your patterns and nurture your true self. Sex therapy gives you the relational tools to bring that healing into your romantic life—with clarity, confidence, and real intimacy.
If this resonates with you, you’re already on your way. Healing happens step by step—and you don’t have to do it alone.
Resources for Healing Codependency
Whether you’re just starting out or looking to deepen your journey, here are some helpful tools and starting points:
Books
- Codependent No More by Melody Beattie – The classic go-to for understanding codependency.
- No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz – A deep dive into Internal Family Systems.
- The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner – On setting boundaries and maintaining your sense of self in relationships.
- Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski – A compassionate, science-based look at sexual wellbeing and self-acceptance.
Find a Therapist
- Steffen Counseling Services – Check out our different therapists and reach out!
- Psychology Today – Filter by “IFS” or “Sex Therapy” to find someone near you.
- IFS Institute Directory – Find certified Internal Family Systems therapists.
- AASECT – Directory for certified sex therapists.
Support Groups
- Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) – 12-step meetings online and in-person for those healing from codependency.
- [Therapist-led groups] – Many therapists offer small group sessions focused on codependency, boundaries, or intimacy—ask around!
